My head is like a cage....

Sometimes I feel like I have so much potential and ideas locked in my mind and body...and I just need to get it all out. Like right now, I just choreographed the coolest dance. Innovative. Creepy. Cool. Sexy. However, there is no way to get it out. I want that looking pool thing that Dumbledore has in Harry Potter.lol! Or I'll be walkin back from class and I NEED TO PAINT! There's an image in my mind. And if I could get to a canvas in time the most beautiful image would appear. Frustrating. So many ideas and potential, but not enough time and/or money to do it. Reason to become vampire....haha...doesn't sleep=unlimited time. (problem solved? i think so.haha.)

My heart feels heavy

In art history we were talking about Freud and how he believed that dreams are our way of working out the issues that we cannot to deal with during the day. Kind of like the body and mind taking advantage of the allotted time. I guess I feel this way a lot. I will be writing a paper or trying to work on something else and then my mind will be thinking about something completely different. Like a train of thoughts barreling by and all I want to do is think of these thoughts that are suddenly attacking my mind. In high school, I would catch these moments and quickly right them down, but these days I miss those thoughts. 

My heart feels heavy at the moment. I feel a bit lost and lonely. I feel like no one will ever really love me and feel that I complete their life. And as much of a stone-cold bitch I want to be....all I want is to love people and be loved in return. However, most guys treat me with extremes. 1) Completely ignore me 2)Treat me like a disposable physical desire to be thrown away after use.

I'm seriously scared that the world will end and I will die with nothing. Alone. Looking for useless answers. Loveless. Lifeless. With a horrible afterlife or none at all. I doubt God would let me into his kingdom, even if there is one. 

I feel like the solidly religious have life easy. They have structure and assurance. Even if what they believe is a complete utter lie and trick. Well then, ignorance is bliss. The ignorance of believing in a higher power saves them from the horrible fact that they are actually alone in this world and they are meaningless to history. You die and that's it. Your life was a fraction of a blink in history and you are completely disposable. How depressing.... Also, the religious believe that if they do not find another to love it is okay because there is no greater love than that of God. And if they find a religious marital partner then the marriage will be strong because they share the same love, beliefs, and morals. I envy the religious. 

I'm a sad excuse for the kind hearted. Even if I had the greatest love for mankind...I'm actually nothing. Insignificant. Totally disposable. Worthless. How sad life is.......