f.r.e.e.d.o.m.

I met a boy and he is free... oh how I envy thee....

Sometimes I feel like I should live on a farm, on the California coast, inside New York City, between San Francisco and Seattle, down the street from Mexico and Canada, overlooking the Amalfi Coast. Maybe in an alternate universe this exists.... and on the weekend I hang out with God and he answers my questions. We smoke from a bong and make jokes. Then, I can visit my family through time.

I party with my mom in NYC in her twenties, we go to the beach and we have no where to stay so we sleep on the beach during the day and party all night, and as my mom once said, "get a date and you know you're eating a good meal". Work in the auto shop in the Bronx with my dad and play music with him. Go out dancing with my dad's parents when they first met. Freshly back from war and looking for love and music in NYC. Then, sit in the kitchen with my grandma as her and the ladies drank, played poker, and filled the room with a thick smoke in the Bronx house. However, Grandpa Jack...oh what a man. Scotch drinking, fun loving, and ruling New York City. A big NY exec, swimming in money, and the life of the party. Funniest man in the room. And Nana, Ms. Ann, sweetest and hardest working woman. In high school, she decided to work 2-3 jobs so that she could go to a private girls school because at the public high school the boys smacked her ass in the hall and treated her like meat. Grandpa Jack spent forever just following her around work and parties trying to get a date. And when she finally accepted she fell in love instantly. She told me once, "All I wanted to do was kiss him every second and hold him. But, at that time it was unacceptable. So, we snuck into phone booths and cabs. Basically anywhere we could be alone."

My family is so strong. They all owned the room. Smart. Strong. Usually with a strong drink in hand. I hope I really grow into my heritage.

p.s. grammar is horrible. but I wasn't really paying attention to it.

Stupid

It's amazing how much being told exactly how to dance made me hate dancing. I felt like I had to fit into a mold and if I didn't then well...I was a bad dancer. However, college really opened up my life. I want to learn more. much. much. more. I want to perfect my perfection. And not perfect others' ideas of perfection. I want to sing, dance, act, and write like me. I want to be all that I can be because like Martha Graham once said, "The main thing, of course, always is the fact that there is only one of you in the world, just one, and if that is not fulfilled then something has been lost."  The key word here is FULFILLED. Create a personality, a character, and an ability to its fullest. Make the belly full with a pride of individuality. 

opposition

I find myself always wanting the avon-garde and the new fresh thoughts that come along with the avon-garde. However, at the same time I constantly want to revert back to the old simplicity of things. 

MMMMM...Converse

Sooo good. Love this. Converse are shoes in which one lives. Messy converse means that you are living.

My head is like a cage....

Sometimes I feel like I have so much potential and ideas locked in my mind and body...and I just need to get it all out. Like right now, I just choreographed the coolest dance. Innovative. Creepy. Cool. Sexy. However, there is no way to get it out. I want that looking pool thing that Dumbledore has in Harry Potter.lol! Or I'll be walkin back from class and I NEED TO PAINT! There's an image in my mind. And if I could get to a canvas in time the most beautiful image would appear. Frustrating. So many ideas and potential, but not enough time and/or money to do it. Reason to become vampire....haha...doesn't sleep=unlimited time. (problem solved? i think so.haha.)

My heart feels heavy

In art history we were talking about Freud and how he believed that dreams are our way of working out the issues that we cannot to deal with during the day. Kind of like the body and mind taking advantage of the allotted time. I guess I feel this way a lot. I will be writing a paper or trying to work on something else and then my mind will be thinking about something completely different. Like a train of thoughts barreling by and all I want to do is think of these thoughts that are suddenly attacking my mind. In high school, I would catch these moments and quickly right them down, but these days I miss those thoughts. 

My heart feels heavy at the moment. I feel a bit lost and lonely. I feel like no one will ever really love me and feel that I complete their life. And as much of a stone-cold bitch I want to be....all I want is to love people and be loved in return. However, most guys treat me with extremes. 1) Completely ignore me 2)Treat me like a disposable physical desire to be thrown away after use.

I'm seriously scared that the world will end and I will die with nothing. Alone. Looking for useless answers. Loveless. Lifeless. With a horrible afterlife or none at all. I doubt God would let me into his kingdom, even if there is one. 

I feel like the solidly religious have life easy. They have structure and assurance. Even if what they believe is a complete utter lie and trick. Well then, ignorance is bliss. The ignorance of believing in a higher power saves them from the horrible fact that they are actually alone in this world and they are meaningless to history. You die and that's it. Your life was a fraction of a blink in history and you are completely disposable. How depressing.... Also, the religious believe that if they do not find another to love it is okay because there is no greater love than that of God. And if they find a religious marital partner then the marriage will be strong because they share the same love, beliefs, and morals. I envy the religious. 

I'm a sad excuse for the kind hearted. Even if I had the greatest love for mankind...I'm actually nothing. Insignificant. Totally disposable. Worthless. How sad life is.......

Rambling

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Teachers and professors are always telling me about the potential I have, but that's incredibly overwhelming. An English professor once told me that I should quit dancing because it's "a waste of a good mind". Talk about a backhanded compliment. Or there was a dance teacher I once had who called me his "nightingale bird". Basically, it's a Chinese story of a bird that sings prettier than all the others, but it's too stubborn and only sings when it wants. It was a total backhanded compliment. He is a world-renowned choreographer and dancer who danced for the Paris Opera Ballet and he said I was beautiful and talented! Amazing! However, I am too stubborn to be consistent. Dance is all about consistency. If you can't give the choreographer exactly what they want you're kind of worthless. I'm a teacher's "worst nightmare" because I'm too inside my own head and as hard as people try, that thing sitting on my neck is damn vault. It's not even that I'm stubborn, at least not with dance. It's that I play mind games with myself. "It's not worth it" "Why even try" "Give up" "It doesn't matter" "You're not good enough"...sure....you can trace this back to the dark corners of my childhood, adolescence, teen years, etc....but...why just accept that? There's some mental rehabilitation to be done.

 

I always have this opposition of wanting someone to tell me what it is that I should be doing, while at the same time never wanting to be told what to do. It's odd. 

My First Time

Nothing like a first. I used to kind of blog on my myspace and I always liked it. It was very therapeutic. I saw my girl Melissa's blog and it seemed like a nice outlet for words and thoughts that usually have no other way of being spoken. My life is a bit static at the moment, but at least it's not stagnant. I'm just building up some energy. For the first time in a long time I feel calm and excited for what's to come. I always just wish that time would stop and I can just breath. However, I shed some tears recently and I feel like I have less baggage. I wish I was better at crying, but I'm just not. 

I was sitting outside today talking to two of my favorite ladies (Mackenzey and Amanda) about men, life, and a bunch more. We were talking about crying. I just sit there sometimes feeling like shit and not being able to cry. Something has to set me off, which means that I usually have people around me when I start to cry. However, I hate crying in front of people so I always stop myself. I hate giving people the idea that I'm a bit of a mess, but I hear that it's easy to tell. 

PS. I'm excited for class tomorrow because all I have is dance classes. My art history class is cancelled. It's been a long time since I was happy about dancing. tis a sad sad thing.