Rambling

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. Teachers and professors are always telling me about the potential I have, but that's incredibly overwhelming. An English professor once told me that I should quit dancing because it's "a waste of a good mind". Talk about a backhanded compliment. Or there was a dance teacher I once had who called me his "nightingale bird". Basically, it's a Chinese story of a bird that sings prettier than all the others, but it's too stubborn and only sings when it wants. It was a total backhanded compliment. He is a world-renowned choreographer and dancer who danced for the Paris Opera Ballet and he said I was beautiful and talented! Amazing! However, I am too stubborn to be consistent. Dance is all about consistency. If you can't give the choreographer exactly what they want you're kind of worthless. I'm a teacher's "worst nightmare" because I'm too inside my own head and as hard as people try, that thing sitting on my neck is damn vault. It's not even that I'm stubborn, at least not with dance. It's that I play mind games with myself. "It's not worth it" "Why even try" "Give up" "It doesn't matter" "You're not good enough"...sure....you can trace this back to the dark corners of my childhood, adolescence, teen years, etc....but...why just accept that? There's some mental rehabilitation to be done.

 

I always have this opposition of wanting someone to tell me what it is that I should be doing, while at the same time never wanting to be told what to do. It's odd.